I resolve to prepare a list of responses to telephone calls from Vendor Management companies, tape them to the wall above my telephone, and practice them until I can say them without a hint of irony, exasperation, rancour, or ill humor.  My list so far:

You want it how fast?  Sure.  No problem, I'm sure I can get to that yesterday.

You want to pay how little?  Sure. No problem, I can afford to dream about working for you for that price, so dream your orders to me. 

You expected my report when?  Sure. No problem,  I'll time travel back to that date and time, but will you be back then too, to receive it?

You don't have a current-owner name or complete address, but you THINK it's in my state?  Sure. No problem, is it okay if I guess on my report, too?

Your fax machine is overwhelmed and you want me to keep trying to fax until my report gets through?  Sure.  No problem, my fax machine can be set to re-dial your fax number up to 1000 times, so I'm sure you'll only get a few hundred copies.

You want me to re-fax my past-due invoices for the umpteenth time but now put someone else's name on them and fax them to a different number?  Sure. No problem, is that also someone else's company I'm sending these invoices to, in case they are in less financial trouble than yours?

Your order said RUSH?  Sure. No problem, RUSH me payment in advance and I'll RUSH my report to you.

Other abstractors are welcome to add to my list.

Anne Gilbert